I am afraid, my little twiglets that I have been unable to update you on the adventures in the tap room of the Fox and Gynaecologist for the last month or so, as I have been recently detained at Her Majesty’s Pleasure, following an unfortunate incident when Mrs Miggins and I were preparing the open topped bus for the end of season parade up to Salem.

We had managed to get our modest proclamation affixed – to the left flank of the Omnibus a banner which read – “It appears we have done reasonably well this season” - we didn’t want to appear to be gloating – and everything seemed to be set fair.

It was all going so well, but our plan rather went awry when Miggins fired up the Stihl saw to start taking the roof off the vehicle, as the noise and the sparks from the impact of the blade on the outer skin of the bus frightened the life out of the handful of passengers upstairs on the 623 to Eldwick.

So we were thrown into the deepest dungeon available to the Bradford North Rozzers and in the morning taken to the Bingley Assizes and tried on two charges: one of Piracy on a Council maintained road and a second charge of wanton vandalism.

As council workmen erected a jibbet in the main square, things didn’t look good, but then with the learned Roger Raper leading our defence team, it was like OJ and Jonny Cochrane all over again.

Miggins, as ever, gleefully took the lashes and I served the time.

With four games still to go you may think that we were getting rather ahead of ourselves prepping an open topped vehicle, but with Salem failing to hit an elephant with a banjo for several weeks, it was clear to the learned shandy drinkers in the Fox that it would be the Bees who would hold the BD bragging rights this season. That is all we were looking to celebrate.

So this Saturday we turn our attention to Old Corsodylians, who are having a rum time of it down among the dead men, but should not be taken lightly as we turn into this final straight. However, before you poke the cadavre, they are not quite dead yet and have it all to play for this week, especially as bottom club West Leeds play the side immediately above Crocs, Selby, so a result for WPL could be a lifeline for the men from Halifax.

However, we remain focused on the other end of the ladder and our battle to the end with Malton and Norton. We nearly have them in a vulcan death grip, but they also have a hand loitering near our unmentionables.

indeed, the more I stare at it with this one good eye, the more it looks like it will still be all to play for when North Yorkshire’s favourite rappers come to the Hive on 16th April.

The pressure is still on Malton in this particular Mexican Stand off to take 20 points from the next 4 games and hope that the Bees cannot get better than 10, as a level finish between the two clubs would be our advantage unless there are some bizarre scores in the next month.

Just so that we have some clarity around the room on how the league title might be decided, should we end in a Simon Cowell like deadlock after 26 fixtures, here is the wording you will find in the RFU regulations, Section 13:

If two or more Clubs have the same number of League points at the end of the Season, final league positions shall be determined firstly by the number of wins achieved and then on the basis of match points scored.

(i) A Club with a larger number of wins in the League shall be placed higher than a Club with the same number of League points but fewer wins.
I have been struggling to find a scenario where this will plausibly come into play; If we do not gather any more wins, but manage to end up on 108 points, level with M+N, by way of gathering 6 bonus points, then M+N win. If they get 4 wins and finish on 109 points, for us to finish level we can only have won one more game and pocketed 3 bonus points – in which case M+N win.

(ii) If Clubs have equal League points and an equal number of wins in the League then a Club with a larger difference between match points ‘for’ and match points ‘against’ shall be placed higher in the League than a Club with a smaller difference between match points ‘for’ and match points ‘against’.

As M+N currently has a points’ difference which is 229 worse than ours, I don’t really think this will come into play…

(iii) Should two Clubs have the same number of League point sand an equal number of wins and the same match points difference, a Club having scored more match points ‘for’ shall be placed higher in the League than a Club having the lesser number of match points ‘for’.
(iv) If this still does not establish the positions then the Clubs involved shall be ranked according to the number of matches won, excluding the first League match of the season. If necessary this process shall be extended to exclude the second match, third match and so on until the final positions are established.

If either scenario 3 or 4 comes into play, then I think it’s time to pack up and go home.

Let’s hope these small paragraphs of clarification stops any beer being spilled or hand bags being flung after the final whistle.

Anyway aside from such frippery, what else do we know?

This Saturday is a fine day for birthdays of the great and the good. A very small dip into Mrs Miggins Celebrity Diary will reveal that among others, 2nd April is the birthday of that great British actor, Brian Glover – Bobby Charlton in “Kes”. One of the very greatest of the great thesps, Sir Alec Guinness also appeared first of this day in 1914, as did Marvin Gaye (1939) and the very epitome of a dirty old French fellow, Serge Gainsbourg, in 1928.

I noticed also that Penelope Keith also entered this mortal coil on April 2nd 1940, and although she first came to prominence in Tag Team Wrestling, linking up with Big Daddy, she is probably best known as Barbara from the Good Life, Linford Christie was another one to blow out his first candle on April 2nd in 1960, followed six years later by Teddy Sherringham.

Going the other way, in the Exit Lounge, we can start with a big hitter, as Pope John Paul Two, hopped the twig in 2005. Unfortunately things fall away after him and there is no-one on the list who might be recognised across a crowded room, excepting of course, that old disco maniac, Edwin Starr, who died today in 2002, but would surely have made “Eye to Eye Contact”?

Scoop